Ok here’s the plan…

I just realized how difficult it is for girl these days to find a decent boy and me being me decided to dish out some absolutely FREE advice.

What you are about to read is purely aimed at making you feel like the world’s biggest loser. Get a life you moron there are much better things to do than reading my crap!

You don’t listen do you? Sigh… Anyway let me humour you. Note, this is written solely to give you some cheap thrills.

Remember that cute guy who used to sit behind you in college. Well too bad for you but even then he had a girl.
What’s with you, move on you dumb ass. He dint find you cute then, he won’t find you cute now! (You’ve aged dear)

Stop staring and do something!
Men being men won’t do a thing. They are as scared of you as you are of them. Come on move on.

Ditch every guy your mom finds you.
They are not what they seem. Neither are you. Find a moron you knows and loves you for being you, not some weird character moms chalked out.

Get your best friend to…You know marry you. (Guy best friend that is!) Unless you’re like me and have 3 best guy friends, then you have a problem coming your way. Remember, the movie, My Best Friend’s Wedding… suggest you have a backup plan!

Drug him.
Not too much. Just enough to get him unconscious and then you can have your wicked way with him. If you still can’t manage that. Go kill yourself.
(Ways to do so can be found in my yet to released book titled 101 ways to suicide!--TM registered)

Or just use the clichéd route, “I am going to be the mother of your child.”
But dear please at least make sure you have unsafe sex first! And sob pathetically later!


Ok and if you are still wondering the reason of this article, keep thinking ‘cos you won’t find one.

I never found it. And neither would you.

Take care my friend, that’s all I could say…

Yesterday could have been any ordinary day.
A day that went by without having you or me having anything to say.
But it was just not some ordinary day.
It was a day that only a friend could sense a loss in a heartfelt and true way.

I never thought life would bring this day by my side so soon.
I guess you too never thought God would take someone you loved away from the midst of us by the noon.
Guess we never anticipated the pain.
All I could do was watch as my friend bleed in silence but not in vain.

I always thought a loss would be just a loss.
But now I know better, cause I sat in trance the whole day.
Not knowing what to do or what to say?
Why? Because, I can only imagine what my best best best friend went through, fighting the pain, the soreness and heart wrenching ache.
Not forgetting the family who couldn’t stop Gods plan for the day.

No words will suffice; nothing will ever feel the same.
Nothing can replace a loved one, especially when that person is your dad.
All I know is that I will always be there,
Should you ever need a hug,
Someone to talk to,
Or a smile to brighten your day.

As a tear rolls down my face,
For a father of a best friend,
I know not what to say,
Cause for a short period I knew him,
he came across the best in every single way.

I can’t do anything to bring him back.
So sorry this had to happen to you and your family.
But what I can do is be by your side,
should you need me in any way.


P.S: These few but sincere and heartfelt words are dedicated to my best best best friend’s dad who passed away very suddenly on this day - 11 april 2007.

May eternal light shine on him and may his soul rest in peace. Amen.
And may God give my best best best friend the strength to carry on and be the support to his family in every way. Amen.

And the BEST BROTHER AWARD goes to…

First you people gotta meet my brother.



This is what he has to say about himself:
I have two imaginary daughters aged 3 and 4... Both are good looking… I don’t have sons as I’ve decided the ugly male species of my family has to be done away with in this generation!!!

We shall also consider that I own a Magnum Sniper Rifle and I use it on all the people I hate... in other words I’m running out of bullets.

Also, though it may sound hypothetical, the sign on the main gate of our house reads: "BEWARE OF CAT!!!"


See I know he begged & begged till I wrote a testimonial for him but for those who never read the sincere words I typed down, I took the time to log into orkut and copy paste the heart-wrenching words I was rather forced to write.

I don’t know how many of u all know him as well as me but…
When I tell u this BELIEVE me…

This man can go without a bath for days!
(the record - 7 days… the reason – saving water!!!)

He can relish Snort!
(I know it’s a delicacy et al, but eeks I think he doesn’t get food to eat!)

Loves to not to do things as they r… which is good! Rite?

A big fan of rock metal music… cos of him I 2 started liking this noise he calls music!!

It’s taken him 2-3 years n more to learn the guitar…
n believe me till today he doesn’t string a full song!

He loves Tommy Leanne D’souza (who u ask?)
well that’s d family feline! (Though he doesn’t show it … I tell u he absolutely adores her!)

Anyway tats enuf for now!
But on the whole this specimen of the human race is totally harmless & genuine to the core… what u c – is what u get!


So you see why the BEST BROTHER AWARD has to go to Lovell! Aka. Peekacho… MM… Baby Lov… Baby… wotever I feel right to call him. No arguments here! He is my brother!

Ok the rest of you normal people may be wondering… Couldn’t she write something nice about her brother? Well people this is nice. I could perhaps jot down all the clichéd stuff of how my nice a brother he is… loving, caring, woteva!
But that’s not how it is with us!
As much as I love my brother, we cut the senti stuff… its like you guard my back & I will yours.

Enough has been said already. So one last thing, as the recipient of the BEST BROTHER AWARD here’s a bonus title too… THE BEST CRITIC!

The only reason I got to where I am is because of Lov and his mean remarks on my art or anything I do! (for which I am so grateful)

Ok brother enough said about you. (you asked for this too ;)
Now expecting an acceptance or gratitude speech from you in return.

P.S. for all of you who din't know he is the ONLY brother I have.

My Run with Colour

Papa used to be abroad and every time he came back home, I remember Papa bringing these boxes of colour pencils. Faber Castell that too. And if that’s not enough, imagine a 4 year old with a 48 colour pencil set. That’s where I could trace back my fascination with colour began.

Art is in my blood, though it skipped a generation on my mom’s side, others could tell or so they say that could see it always in me. While growing up I used to draw and send cards to Papa. (And you know what Papa had each and every single one of them – I came across this treasure one day while ransacking Papa’s drawer)

Ok the point here is I never realized colour would take over my life. I ran and ran away from it. You see I had an option of joining art school after class 10, but as I was trying to get away from colour I ran for another two years, till it finally caught up with me! The last 2 years of my run saw me, I got a running partner. Honestly I had no idea this wonderful person would change my life forever. You see I don’t know how it happened… may be it was influence, may be it was finally me realizing my true potential or may be I just got tired from running. You see I ran with this person simply cos I had nothing better to do other than studying science!

I tell you I had no clue when thanks to this person, i.e my running partner who later came to be my mentor & role model in every inch of the way. Thanks Miss. Lily, I bet the day I told you I am joining art college you flipped over, ha ha I know you though you were responsible for me changing my mind, but thanks to you., I realized I can run but I just can’t hide.

I am still running, but once in a while colour does catch up with me. Now I run not from colour but with colour and in the bargain experimenting with colourful words too.

Hard Facts!

Reading they say opens your eyes to a lot of things. Well that and just keeping an open eye to what’s happening about you.

# When it comes to men, even the smart women act dumb.
Yeah who should know better than me? I am smart. I am a woman. And may be I did act dumb. Ok having said that, I am not dumb. Sometimes we just can’t help ourselves. Men! We can hate them, but just can’t live without them!

# Whatever happened to good old French-kiss-in-return-for-french-fries rule.
OK please do tell me whatever happened to this rule! Man we won’t bite should you make a move. Duh! Believe me it would be HIGHLY appreciated.

# Men only want you when you don’t want them any more!
What you need to do is show the sucker you got a life other than him. It might not be easy but a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do. Do whatever; let him feel that pinch of insecurity that my girl’s out in the big bad world. Knock yourself out having fun!

# Relationship with men come with an asterisk that reads ‘conditions apply’.
Seriously this should be highlighted, underlined, made bold, in font size 72, in red and plastered on every guy’s forehead! Man if you think women are complicated, think again!

Disclaimer: This article is not about putting down the opposite sex, it’s for all those smart women who just forgot how smart they were.

The JOLENAPOTAMUS

Speculative analysis compiled by a highly delusional but very dear friend, I just couldn’t resist sharing this with all of you.

Well to give you a gist of things, we were chatting and for a change I told this friend… oops best friend to focus somewhere else… but alas… you know how highly irresistible I am!
You can’t live with me, you can’t live without me.

So here it goes according to this crazed discoverer.
“My favourite Discovery r u mad ... I intend wining the Nobel Prize for discovering u someday”

The Species: the Jolenapotamus!

The thesis:
• It’s a very complicated being.
• Found deep in the Savanas.... this creature sneaked its way into civilization by hitching a ride on a ship from Portugal in the cargo.
• Has the ability to retract its tail and claws.... the Jolenapotamus can gobble beef and pork at the speed of light...
• Only repellant known till date is Vanilla ice cream.
• Can change skin color from Black to Pink.
But rumors say that once every full moon she also can change skin color to blues and yellows.
• Mating Rituals still unknown.
• Ancient folklore mention about a brave warriors being sacrificed to this being every 100 years
...and the story goes on.

Recapturing the MAGIC!

Feb 14, 2006, at the stroke of 12,
I turned into Cinderella with a phone in hand.

The wishes were many, sincere & true,
As I lay my head on my pillow my smile could tell a story to you.

Woke up thinking it would be just another day,
But what did you know; a colleague decided to make it special for us ladies that day!

The evening is a whole different story,
Some would say, “It defined my life that day.”

But as 4 guys, 4 girls walked into Jazz by the Bay that evening,
Surprise, surprise! We still walked away single that day!
But the fun, love, laughter would stay to warm our hearts always.

Some missed it, but most of all we missed having a friend with us that day.
Though the calls & SMS flowed,
Nothing could replace his absence on this special day.

Never had I realized the true meaning of Valentines Day.
It’s not about making out without your special one, heck you could do it any day!
But it’s about celebrating the love, making someone feel they are special and loved extra on that day.

You could do it for a friend, your parents or your partner.
Just let them know you care.

As this day again approaches…
It sees 4 girls, 5 guys walk into the Hard Rock Café,
Will they walk away single… this year again?

So here’s inviting these 4 girls & 5 guys
Let’s make this another special day.

We cannot recapture the moments,
But lets work our every own magic this Valentine’s Day.

So that some day, when we look back
We will have special memories to warm our hearts on a lone cold rainy day.

Was it just yesterday?

Was it just yesterday we sat over mulling over a cup of coffee?
Was it just yesterday I shopped for someone I don’t even want to?
Was it just yesterday I was sending out vibes of a different kind?
Was it just yesterday I wished I was home?
Was it just yesterday I had that someone special close to me?
Was it just yesterday?
Or was it just another day?

Tell me… was it?
Sometimes we fool ourselves, but there’s this other person who knows just what’s going on. We don’t need to tell, we don’t need to, but yet this person knows without a clue? Who’s this person? Was it you?

Why we do things we don’t want to, is an another thing. May be we wanted to. May be we never learnt to say no! May be we did it as we felt we were obliged to. Why did I do this thing? I do not know!

Now vibes! That’s another thing. How come the person you target them to never seems to get them, yet all those around you know what’s on your mind and what you want to do. But ain’t that the true meaning of sending off vibes?

So was it just yesterday?

WHEN THE CITY GETS TO YOU…

Mumbai is an amazing place. Truly amazing! True the life’s pretty fast; you never know where the time goes. But yet you can account for every minute of the time spent! I never realized how cool this city was till I actually started living it. In every sense of the word. While work does keep one busy from Monday to Fridays, it’s the weekends that I actually look forward to.

It’s the time when we catch up with friends, blow some steam or do whatever we feel like. A prelude to the weekends see me cozying up with a thick book (not the chick flick) but some action thrillers, and getting high on RHCP! It’s almost like doing dope (I hope so), the highs are definitely high as am not able to put down either of both. Yeah that and me the lone soul who’s found lurking in the hall or corridors till the break of dawn.

Saturdays = a day of long walks. Believe me its so relaxing.
You think. You walk.
Walk alone. Walk with company.
Walk, that’s all I say. You might wonder where one walks in a city like Mumbai. Try walking around the block. Or just get off a few bus stops earlier and walk home.
Tip: Chuck the cell phone.

Then there are the Saturdays, Saturdays that find friends bunched over beer, breezers, Pepsi, juice, cigarettes and well of course “Onion rings” listening to rock and getting rocked! Discussing or cussing about life, career and relationships. Then there are those who love missing such times and the insights they bring. But what the heck, they don’t know what they miss. Seriously now’s the time to enjoy, be yourself and make the most of this journey we call life! But some just don’t get it!

Sundays = Crash time.
When most of the day is over, I rise. Rise to wondering what today has in store for me. Wondering if I got anything better to do in life today? Wondering? Wondering? Wondering?
Ok perhaps I will read a book or clean my closet.
Sundays ideally s family day, but since my family is back home and the only way I can reach them is through phone, I call on my surrogate family, a bunch of people who I call my true best friends, A.K.A. the Rockstar, Don & Stalker, these 3 I know would do anything for me & vice versa. From keeping a check on me if I reached home safely to keeping tabs on where I am, bet these 3 know more about me than my mom. And yes these 3 do not miss any opportunity to tell me I am too smart for my own good! Duh guys.

That’s how this city is. It cares for you, even when you feel you have no one. I never though I would love it here. But the opportunity that it has provided me, it’s truly amazing! &%$# going to the big apple, we have our big apple right here. Let’s bite into it, right now!

WHY?

Why do you always need a reason?
Why do you need to follow the crowd?
Why can’t we walk in circles?
Why do we have to sleep?
Why do we have to live by society rules?
Why were they made anyway?
Why does it make no sense?
Why do we always want things to be different?
Why can’t we be happy the way things are?
Why are we always looking for more?
Why are we never satisfied?
Why are living this way?
Why are do we have to wake every morning?
Why can’t we go on living the way we like?
Why are others such jerks?
Why do we have to learn all the alphabets?
Why does the ball bounce?
Why do cats scratch you sometimes?
Why are dogs dogs?
Why does Saint Peter stand by heaven’s gate?
Why is the sky blue?
Why do all the guys look hot after you in a relationship?
Why are kids so irritating?
Why do young boys think they are motorbikes?
Why didn’t Superman’s mom ever enlighten him on the true meaning of undies?
Why did Phantom wear such ghastly stuff anyway?
Why are Superheroes so over-rated?
Why we do live?
Why is marriage the next thing in a relationship?
Why does every fool run to Goa?
Why is sex such a taboo word?
Why does skin dry in winter?
Why are cold creams called cold when they are hardly ever cold?
Why are guys always running after hot girls?
Why can’t girls read maps?
Why can’t guys ever ever ask for directions?
Why does lying always seem to be a better option?
Why does Salman get into clothes half his size?
Why are guys such insensitive jerks?
Why are we always short of cash?
Why do others always want to matters of your life theirs?
Why do guys eye wander even when they with a beautiful chic?
Why are people sometimes so full of themselves?
Why is applying makeup such a tedious task?
Why can’t you put mascara on with your mouth closed?
Why is kissing such a hyped up activity?
Why is drinking such a big deal?
Why are there different rules for guys and girls?
Why do guys never understand 5 mins means 5 mins?
Why are there times suicide seems to be the only option?
Why can’t you swear before your mom?
Why am I writing this?
Why are you forced to read this?
Why?
Why?
Why do you even ask WHY?